Hi Haya,

I am an engineering student in my early 20s. I needed guidance regarding handling a family situation that has been affecting my mental health for quite some time.

I have a hard time dealing with my father — also an engineer by education and profession — as he is too focused on my grades. No matter how hard I try, it never seems enough, as my father is always critical of my academic performance. Either no appreciation and acknowledgement (not even the slightest) when I perform well or outright taunts and criticism when I don't.

This has led to me being severely stressed out with regards to my studies which in turn has led to worsening grades. All of this exacerbates the whole situation and it turns into a self-loathing loop.

Kindly help as to how I can tackle both my studies and my father's attitude in this regard.

— A demotivated son

Dear demotivated son,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Dealing with a parent who is overly critical can be incredibly challenging, especially when it leaves you feeling inadequate and focused solely on negative comments. It is understandable that this ongoing dynamic with your father is impacting both your mental health and academic performance.

First let’s explore this from a psychological perspective.

In reality, the way we behave is a reflection of the way we feel about ourselves. Thus, your father’s behavior with you, is how he feels about himself. When we don’t feel worthy from within, nothing externally will feel good enough.

It’s clear that you recognise you are caught in a cycle, easily enmeshed in your father’s projections.

I see you are aware of yourself being stuck in a loop and seems like you are easily enmeshed with your father on what he’s projecting on to you.

His taunts can lead you to triggering your feelings of not being enough, your beliefs about yourself, raising your stress levels out and eventually affecting your performance.

It is critical for you to understand that you are not your father. Separating his behavior from your self-worth is essential, and your work is to focus on building your self-esteem and exploring and reestablishing your core beliefs.

Additionally, I would encourage you to set some boundaries and communicate with your father where you let him know how you feel, how this has been impacting you and create boundaries to support and take care of your own wellbeing. You might say, "I appreciate your concern for my grades, but I feel really stressed when I only hear criticism. It would help me if we could also focus on what I’m doing well." Establishing limits on academic discussions can protect your well-being.

Moreover, consider setting realistic academic goals. Assess your own expectations and create achievable targets to foster a sense of accomplishment and reduce anxiety.

Additionally, I would encourage you to develop some coping strategies for yourself that support you and your wellbeing. Stress reduction techniques for example breath work, meditation and exercise aid in managing feelings of stress, anxiety and support in promoting focus.

I know your father does not appreciate or acknowledge your wins and only highlights what you are not doing, but I encourage you to intentionally start shifting your focus and acknowledging what all you are doing and celebrating your wins (no matter how big or small). You know how hard you try and are working, and you deserve to be acknowledged for all that you are doing. The first place we need recognition from is ourselves.

Finally I would highly recommend you to work with a trained mental health professional who would be able to support you in your journey and provide you with the tools you need to navigate and overcome your struggles.

Remember to prioritise your mental health and seek support when needed. You’re not alone in this, and there are ways to manage both your studies and your relationship with your father.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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