SLOUGH, ENGLAND:
Are you a serial procrastinator? Do you yearn to be more focused and less scatterbrained? Perhaps you wish you could finish off that spreadsheet without your thoughts flickering to the eighty-seven other tabs open in your window. Or – if your life is mercifully free from the clutches of evil spreadsheets and self-spawning tabs – maybe you look at all the debris left over from an evening of entertaining and convince yourself that tomorrow morning will be the best time to tackle this hell, knowing full well that the second you turn your back, that mess will swell to five times its original size.
If you find yourself trapped in this endless, fruitless cycle of procrastination, you will be aching for a role model you could follow. In such a case, I would very strongly advise you to avert your gaze from online organisation groups. No good has ever come out of scrolling through a domestic goddess’ ode to order on Pinterest when you are midway through a furtive hunt for that lost receipt (which you will find six weeks from now in a bag at the back of your closet.) Instead, I invite you to study the minds of the finest villains to grace fiction, so that you, too, can learn how to remain focused. Just don’t make the same mistakes they did.
Voldemort (Harry Potter franchise)
No feature on villains can be complete without at least a passing mention of Dark Lord Voldemort. Voldemort would love his top spot on any evil-doer’s list. We will let him have that glory because whilst he gets an A for effort in his quest for immortality, he is one of history’s most inefficient villains by far. Voldemort started out by wanting to live forever, which was great when his focus was on splitting his soul and hiding it in far-flung secret spots only he knew. However, the moment Voldemort got wind of Trelawny’s prophecy about Harry being a potential threat, he a) failed to kill a toddler due to lack of research vis a vis the power of love, and b) failed to kill him for seventeen whole years. Voldemort was thwarted by a love-sick man-child whose Occlumency skills he stupidly underestimated and a teenage boy who had just one spell in his duelling arsenal. Do not follow Voldemort for tips, except to note that he was very studious in his early days and got excellent grades.
Yzma (The Emperor’s New Groove)
All female villains need to look to Yzma for inspiration, for she is a masterclass in fashion, ambition, and fitness. This is a woman who, although she can comfortably be called elderly, has no qualms about hitching up her purple dress and dashing about the countryside in pursuit of her goal, and has a passable tolerance for witless henchmen. Unbothered by wrinkles but hugely bothered by the idiot teenage Emperor Kuzco, who fires her for no conceivable reason, Yzma does what any normal former advisor-to-the-emperor would do: plan his murder. In the heat of the moment, she plans to finish off Kuzco by putting him in a box, and putting that box inside of another box, and then mailing that box to herself and then smashing it with a hammer. Kronk, the witless henchman, hints that this may be a tad complicated. To her credit, Yzma swallows her ego and takes his advice. She decides instead to poison Kuzco with one of the potions she has hiding in her secret lab. Unfortunately, Kronk grabs the wrong one, and instead of being poisoned and dead, Kuzco ends up being turned into a very-much-alive llama. As soon as she realises what has happened, Yzma tries desperately hard to correct her error by setting out to finish the job personally. Along the way, she has to put up with a mumbling Kronk, endure incompetent waiters, and spend a few unpleasant moments locked in a wardrobe by bratty children. Sadly for Yzma, she remains unsuccessful; Kuzco morphs into a good and decent human being by the end of the film. He does not hire her back. Yzma deserved so much more. If only she had marked her potion bottles better! Be bold and adventurous like Yzma, but remember to always label things clearly.
Blackadder (Blackadder Goes Back and Forth)
Some villains are more gifted in the brains department than others. Blackadder has the IQ of Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein combined, and doubtless would consider both of these science icons beneath him were he ever to be acquainted with them. Blackadder may be the lead protagonist of the series named in his honour, but no one in their right mind could call this man a hero, so a villain he remains. With each season set in a different era (be it Elizabethan, Regency, or World War II), what remains consistent is Blackadder’s razor-sharp wit, his single-minded allegiance to cunning plans designed to serve only him, and his never-ending degradation of his faithful manservant, the turnip-loving Baldrick. Blackadder seemingly makes the switch from villain to hero in the final special Millennium episode Blackadder Goes Back and Forth, where he inadvertently goes back in time in order to win a bet. Wreaking havoc through the ages as he struggles to find his way back to the present (destroying William Shakespeare’s confidence, having Robin Hood killed, accidentally letting Napoleon win the battle of Waterloo, etc.,) Blackadder finally returns triumphant – only to realise he must undo all the damage he has done. With a heavy heart – and this is where his latent hero side kicks in – he climbs back into his time machine and sets about boosting Shakespeare’s ego and making sure Captain Wellington does not lose this time at Waterloo. Upon his second triumphant return to the present, Blackadder is still alarmingly heroic as he accepts the accolades for his victory – until a little nudge from his friend, who ponders, “All this back-and-forth during time – just think what an unscrupulous person could do!” This is all the reminding Blackadder needs that being a hero is as unrewarding as can be, and that he must revert to his unscrupulous ways. Blackadder returns to the time machine and fixes things so that when he emerges back into the present for the final time, he is King of England and Kate Moss is his bride. With determined focus and hard work, Blackadder achieves what no villain in history has ever managed: a happy ending. Be like Blackadder. Remember who you really are, and you will eventually triumph.
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