SLOUGH, ENGLAND:
When we last met, we studied the CVs of some of fiction’s most accomplished villains to determine which were the most dedicated and efficient. Despite a comprehensive overview of their achievements, some of you may have been affronted at the lack of inclusion of your favourite baddie. “What is wrong with you?” you may have bemoaned, skimming the list in disgust. “Where is my beloved Thanos? And why is there no mention of Joffrey from Game of Thrones, whom I wanted to throttle with my bare hands?”
Well, dear sweet readers, we are not going to waste any time on big-headed baddies who everyone wants to destroy on and off screen. Nor, whilst we are on the subject of villains, are we going to unpack the dismaying trend in film-land where heretofore evildoers have been saddled with pointless backstories to dilute the very thing that makes them troublemakers, except to insist that it must be discontinued with immediate effect. We demand a Maleficent whose USP is the ability to cling onto a grudge like a wave to the shore. We are not interested in a mopey, broken-hearted razor-sharp-cheeked Maleficent who loses her wings as a plot device. Where is the Maleficent who dreamed up a fabulous curse just because she didn’t get a party invite? It is precisely this kind of far-reaching yet on-the-spur evil-doing that is so lacking in the villains of today.
Animation’s greatest hits
“Yes, whatever,” you may tut. “But what about Ursula? How did she ever escape your notice?”
Ursula has not escaped my notice. Our dear sea witch – unlike so many of her peers – had the foresight to include a legally binding document to enforce her wicked ways. As part of her chat with Ariel, Ursula goes on to deliver the line every parent with a young child uses nightly at bedtime: “No more talking, singing, ZIP.” In other words, Ursula is simply a marvellous lady, and it is sad that ultimately, she was outwitted by a wretched seagull who broke her necklace.
“And Scar!” I hear you cry in consternation. “Surely Scar deserves a mention!”
Scar does indeed deserve a mention, but whether this mention is complimentary is debatable. For all his boasting of his meticulous planning, his actual double-murder plan took him five seconds to construct and relied almost entirely on others. It is ironic that after a choreographed song and dance number on the importance of being prepared, Scar left his most vital task in the hands of a trio of idiots (a title he personally had bestowed upon them.) Hiring hitmen is a well-used tactic by many a lazy murderer, but was it really wise to depend on work-shy hyenas and the whimsies of a migrating herd of wildebeests? And after completing the difficult task of finishing off a healthier and heavier lion (Scar deserves some points here, because it cannot have been easy retaining balance whilst shoving the much larger Mufasa off a cliff), surely all he needed to do was deliver one final crushing blow to complete the job and get rid of Simba as well?
But no. Instead of finishing what he started, Scars advises Simba to “run away” and pins all his hopes on the charming notion that his devoted servants would not lie about leaving the job unfinished. And what happened? Simba survived on a diet of bugs and came back with his memory restored – not an outcome that featured anywhere in Scar’s dreamy visions of a victorious reign.
Scar teaches a very important lesson about not leaving things to chance. The next time you leave for a 9AM appointment at 8:45AM to complete a fifteen-minute journey, remember Scar. You may not have duplicitous hyenas throwing your plans off balance, but you will – and the chances of this are almost a thousand per cent – find right before you a motorist unfamiliar with where the accelerator is located. Don’t be like Scar, but do pay heed to his words. Be prepared.
Thinking outside the box
Unlike Scar and Ursula, not all villains are power-hungry egomaniacs. Some just want nice clothes. Here we must turn our attention to another animated villain who has an unorthodox sense of fashion, a leaky fountain pen, and, like so many villains before her, is also saddled with a pair of henchmen with one brain between them. Cruella de Ville does not let society’s views on animal rights sully her wardrobe, nor is she afraid of slapping the henchmen to stop time-wasting TV-watching.
To complete this vision of perfection, Cruella also has the most fabulous driving moves under her belt. Gear changes matter to her, and she weaves figure 8s on the road as if she will be imprisoned for driving in a straight line. Cruella’s downfall is not realising that she could have got more coats if she had used adult Dalmatians instead of puppies. She flew too close to the sun and got carried away by the promise of 99 puppies, which was her downfall. Her other downfall was being stuck behind a van driver who wouldn’t let her complete her car chase in peace. Displaying the most glorious road rage, Cruella was perfect in animated form, and we are going to pretend that her live-action counterpart does not exist.
But when it comes to perfecting the art of villainy, the crown must go to none other than Jim Moriarty, nemesis of Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes, listener of Queen, and devoted causer of mayhem. Dedicated to ensuring his life’s work continued even after his death and causing a long-lasting headache for Mycroft Holmes after just a five-minute with Eurus, Moriarty is the man to study if you wish to improve your planning skills.
“He just likes to cause trouble,” remarks The Woman in Season 2 of Sherlock. The “trouble” Moriarty causes – for the sake of it – ranges from robbing banks to hooking up John Watson to a bomb. With his top priority being ensuring Sherlock’s supply of problems never ran dry, Moriarty even saw through his own suicide. This is a man with backup plans for his backup plans, as evidenced by his planned sad demise and the subsequent two-year crime-solving spree Sherlock had to embark on to clean up Moriarty’s mess. “Did you miss me?” Moriarty asks plaintively every now and then, even from beyond the grave. Yes, Moriarty. You are the original 2-D villain. We desperately miss you and your ilk. So much. Please come back.
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