Dear Haya,

It’s been a few months since I got married. It was an arranged marriage but my husband and I had started getting to know each other soon after our engagement, so we were pretty comfortable with one another.

Since my husband works abroad, he had to leave for his work around two months after our marriage. During these two months, we couldn’t enjoy a proper holiday and merely spent two days at a hill station because he got sick. Soon after that he left for work. Now I’m back in my hometown and he is abroad.

I just feel like we haven’t spent enough time together. He recently also told me that he had developed a health issue and would return to get treatment. I just feel really worried about him and also sad for myself because I’ve barely gotten time to bask in marital bliss and already dealing with different challenges. Am I being ungrateful for feeling this way?

— A dispirited newly married

Dear dispirited newly married,

First, I want to acknowledge the emotions you're experiencing and assure you that they are entirely valid and it is a valid need for you to spend quality time with your husband, especially as a newlywed. It does not make you ungrateful.

In an arranged marriage, where both partners are still in the process of getting to know each other, the initial period can be particularly important for building a strong foundation. The limited time you had together and the challenges you've faced—such as your husband’s illness and the long-distance situation—can understandably make you feel disconnected and concerned.

First of all, please acknowledge how you feel as I sense a complex of emotions going on at the same time. Its ok for you to feel sad for yourself and worried for his health at the same time. Several emptions can co-exist at the same time. This simply reflects your longing for more time to nurture your relationship.

Here are a few strategies to help you navigate your feelings:

First, I would encourage you to foster healthy communication with your husband. Tell him how you’re feeling. Express to him how you are feeling worried about him and at the same time feeling upset that you have not been able to spend much quality time with him post marriage. In addition, express your needs to him. What do u need from him at this time? I hear you needed more quality time with him. Perhaps you could plan a visit to him or if that is not possible, you could plan somewhere mid-way before he returns for treatment. You could both come back together?

In the meantime, while you do long distance, plan regular virtual dates or phone calls to stay connected. Technology can bridge the gap and help you feel closer. You can watch movies together, have meals over video calls, or even play online games. Finding creative ways to spend quality time can strengthen your bond.

Allowing ourselves to feel what we are feeling and understanding what we need and communicating the same to our partner is a key in building emotionally healthy relationships.

At the same time while you navigate this challenging time, lean on to your support system - family, friends, or a therapist. Talking about your feelings can provide relief and perspective. They can offer emotional support and practical advice as you navigate this challenging time.

Prioritize self-care to manage your stress and emotions. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or mindfulness practices. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially when dealing with uncertainty and worry.

Remember, that it's okay to have mixed feelings. Marriage, especially in the early stages, can be full of highs and lows. Adjusting expectations and being patient with yourself and your relationship can help alleviate some of the pressure.

Focus on the future and the time you will have together once your husband returns. Planning future activities or trips can give you both something positive to look forward to and work towards together.

Remember, feeling worried or sad does not diminish your gratitude or love for your husband. It's a reflection of the natural human desire for connection and intimacy, particularly in a new marriage. Navigating these feelings with empathy for yourself and open communication with your husband can help you both manage this challenging period and emerge stronger together.

Goodluck!

Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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